That Time of the Month
by internalscream
Summary: Its the craziest time of month at Hogwarts! Oh boy! *Complete!* Read and Reivew por favor!
1. Avoidance at all costs

Rating: PG-13 possibly R later, I'm not quite sure.

Disclaimer: If it looks like something J.K. Rowling wrote, it probably is.  The rest and the plot are mine.  Sally Anne is a J.K. character too.

Summary: It's that time of the month at Hogwarts, in more ways than one.  This takes place in their sixth year.

A/N: Please read and review.  Flames are whatever, if you don't like this be honest.

That Time of the Month 

Chapter One: Avoidance at all Costs 

            The sun peeked through the leaded windows and its rays focused on a tuft of light brown hair sticking out from a thick scarlet duvet with golden trim.  The figure encased in the covers rolled over and the rays kissed a sleepy face.

"Arrgh! Goddamned sun," a girl shouted as she flung a heavy scarlet pillow at the windows.

"Hermione, shut up," shrieked another female voice.

"Shut up yourself Sally Anne," hissed a third voice.

"Sod off the lot of you, and you keep your big nose out of this Parvati," shouted Sally Anne.

Parvati gasped.  "Lavender!  It isn't really that big is it?" the girl sobbed as she rushed over to the vanity to inspect her face in the mirror.

"It's fine. Stop worrying, you'll give yourself a stress pimple."

"Whew, alright.  That wasn't very nice of you Sally Anne."

" Well, it wasn't very nice of you to put your nose in my business in the first place."

"I just wish that you could argue with 'Mione a bit quieter next time," Parvati retorted.

"Well it isn't my fault that the flipping sun had to shine in my face so early now is it?" asked Hermione.

            As the argument escalated, a group of fully clothed sixth year boys began to form outside of the girl's dormitory.

"Oh no," moaned a sandy-haired Irish boy.

"What?" asked his companion.

" Neville," he began, " I reckon that this is the week that we have to avoid the girls at all costs, or risk being told off even worse than our own mothers or grandmothers could do."

Neville gulped.

" Yup, I'm afraid so," said a third boy," Ron has been keeping track of this on a calendar ever since he started seeing Hermione."

"Boys, I think it is best if we hurry down to breakfast before we get dragged into this mess.  It's too early in the morning," said Ron who had just finished getting dressed.

"Dean, hurry up!" they called as they headed into the common room and were making their way to the portrait hole.

            Back in the girl's dormitory, things had just been sorted out and the girls were beginning to get dressed.  Parvati shrieked and rolled over onto her bed sobbing.  The other girls rushed over to assess the situation.

"Parvati, whatever is the matter?" asked Lavender who was still only clad in her knickers and a bra. 

"My..my..my..jeans..wwwwon't g..go..on!" she wailed.

            Hermione rushed over to the calendar on her wall, and scanned the page.  "Shit," she muttered under her breath.  "Girls, it is that time of the month," she continued.  "We had all better find some sweatpants and tee shirts to wear under our robes this week.

"Er… Hermione, this might be your week, but what makes you so sure that it's ours too?" asked Lavender.

"I read somewhere that when girls live together that their anatomical clocks synchronize and their menstrual cycles occur at the same time."

"Oh, well I guess that makes sense."  Sally Anne said.

"But, my jeans still won't fit."  Parvati whimpered.

            At the same time, down in the Great Hall, Harry Potter and his friends had noticed that the entire male portion of the student body was eating breakfast early that morning.  There wasn't a girl in sight.

"Ron," Harry said.

"What?"

"Did you notice that all of the guys are eating right now."

"Well, they aren't exactly stupid." Ron retorted..

Harry glanced at the Slytherin table. Even Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, and Gregory Goyle weren't stupid enough to stay around girls this week.  At the beginning of the year an anonymous person had sent around the same article that Hermione had read.  Attached to it was a note that read, "PREPARE YOURSELVES."  At the beginning of the year, they had taken this as a joke.  They had soon realized just how serious the writer was.  As Harry sat remembering the warning, his friend Neville had been scanning the staff table for a sign of his least favorite teacher professor Snape.  He didn't see Snape, but another absence caught his eye.

A/N:  cliffhanger! not really.  If I get five reviews ( good or bad ), I'll post another chapter.


	2. Scared Shitless

Same stuff applies as far as Disclaimers and such stuff!

That Time of the Month 

Chapter Two: Scared Shitless

"Hey Harry," Neville started, "Did Professor Lupin tell you that he wasn't going to be here today?"

" Er…no, he didn't, but its probably nothing."

            At that moment, the girls started pouring into the Great Hall.  Harry saw Ron gulp, and winced as his stomach started turning back flips.  

"My you're looking lovely this morning Hermione," Ron said with an audible fear in his voice.

"Piss off, I'm not in the mood for you to throw me false compliments.  I know that I look like absolute shit, but you don't need to rub it in my face." was the reply.

"You know," Parvati snapped, " the next time that you try to fake something like that you should at least get that pained look off of your face."

            The Gryffindor boys stared on with wide-eyed terror.  They began to inch away from the flock of hormonal girls.  

"You know," Hermione said.  Ron shrunk back in preparation for the impending furious diatribe.

"I think that the full moon is tomorrow night." she finished.

"Uh, and?" Ron said delicately.  Harry settled for the trademark politely puzzled look.

" Are you telling me that you guys are so thick-headed that you didn't notice that our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is absent?"

"Yes," Harry agreed.  He had told himself that he would go along with his friend's rants and keep a smile on his face.

Neville got to his feet, looked Hermione in the face, and said in an unwavering voice," I think that we should leave for potions.  I don't think that any of us want to lose points from Snape."  

Harry realized that Neville really did belong in Gryffindor.  He couldn't think of anyone else that would have dared to put a stopper on Hermione Granger.

"You know Neville, that isn't a bad idea," Harry agreed quickly.

With that, the five sixth-year Gryffindor boys got up, and left for the dungeons.  As they neared the Potions classroom, the boys could make out the sound of pacing and muttered curse words.

"Damn, he is in a foul mood today," sighed Seamus

"When isn't he in a foul mood?" asked Dean

"I s'pose that living with Fleur at this time of the month can't be a picnic. She is half veela after all." Harry mused.

            It was true; Snape had gotten married to Fleur Delacour the summer after their fifth year.  What she saw in that greasy old git was beyond them.  He was foul, grouchy, and Harry had often wondered if he had discovered the wonder that is a shower.  Fleur was perfect.  She had beautiful hair, eyes, and skin.  What Harry didn't know was what Fleur was really like.  She had seemed pleasant enough (when not complaining about Hogwarts).  Ah well, he thought, who was he to judge a relationship if he couldn't stay in one for more than a few weeks.

As they turned into the classroom, he saw a fiery birdlike creature glaring daggers at Snape.

"Fleur honey, I didn't mean it, honest." Snape pleaded.

The glare intensified.

"That poor man." Ron murmured.

Harry couldn't have said it better himself.

A/N:  It's rather short.  If I can get five more reviews, good or bad, I'll post more.

QotTF - tortured enough or do my boys need a little more punishment (teehee)

Thanks to all you other reviewers!!


	3. Have Mercy

Yeah, I don't own the characters, but the plot is mine! **Cackles evilly** drat, I am no good at the evil cackle…

Chapter Summary:  A bit more torture, some begging and pleading, and a very frightened group of males.

That Time of the Month 

Chapter Three:  Have Mercy

            As the rest of the potions class assembled outside of the door, a much-hassled Professor Snape was still trying to calm his new wife.  Harry thought back, and realized that the two had only been married a few weeks, and that his professor probably had never seen Fleur like this before.  Two minutes later Fleur stormed off into Snape's office and living quarters.

"Veela," he muttered under his breath.

"I heard that," shrieked a female voice from beyond his office door.  Loud sobbing immediately followed.

"Shit," mumbled Snape.  " Class dismissed."

As they turned to go, Ron with a dazed smile on his lips, they could hear Snape coaxing Fleur to stop crying, and come out of his office.

"Can you believe how awfully Snape was treating Fleur?  They've only been married three weeks, and he is already treating her like shit." Hermione fumed.

"Yeah, that dirty bastard," Ron and Harry quickly agreed.

"Watch your mouth. Goddamnit" Hermione snapped.

"Watch **my** mouth?"  Ron regretted saying it even before he finished.

" Are you arguing with me Weasley?"

" Uh, no."

" I thought not, or the heel of this shoe will be jammed so far up your ass that you won't be able to move for years." she shouted, pointing down at her 4" heeled shoes.

Harry snickered at the look on Ron's face as he squirmed uncomfortably.

Hermione rounded on him.  " And just for you, I'll dig out those 6" stilettos."

Harry gulped.

"Anyway, I have some books to read over for my Arithmancy class.  Have a nice free hour."  She waved cheerily as she set off for the library.

" Damn those infernal mood swings."

" You know, girls are really scary.  D'you think that maybe they're bipolar?"

"Bi-what?"

"Bipolar, it's a muggle sickness.  People who are manic-depressive." Harry explained.

"Oh like really hyper and then really depressed?"

"Yeah."

"No, I don't think so.  With girls its just really nice and sweet and then really bitchy."

"Yeah, so not bipolar, but they definitely have issues."

Harry and Ron had seated themselves in the Gryffindor common room.  Harry had a chair facing the portrait hole, and Ron was sitting opposite.

"Hermione is actually pretty scary, especially with raging hormones.  You know, I don't really know why I decided to go out with her, I mean, she's always trying to get us to study.  It isn't as though we are failing miserably.  She gets so mood…"Ron paused as he saw the look of sheer terror on his friends face.  " My beautiful, kind, and forgiving girlfriend is standing right behind me, isn't she?"  Harry nodded. 

"'Mione my love." Ron exclaimed as he jumped up and turned around.  As he spun around, he was hit full in the face with a copy of Hogwarts, A History.  Ron flailed, and ended up sprawled across the couch that Harry occupied.  

"Ouch." Harry yelped as Ron was sent flying into him.

Ron's nose was bleeding profusely and a black eye was blooming.  Ron began wiping at his bleeding nose. 

"Hermione, I'm really sorry, and I didn't mean those things, but did you really have to haul off and throw this 10 pound book at my face?"

Hermione seemed to have calmed down a bit.  " I'm sorry for over hearing your conversation, but I'm not sorry for smashing that thick skull of yours in."

She stormed out into the hallway.

Draco was slowly strolling down the corridor on the third floor outside of the Gryffindor common room.  

"Watch it Mudblood." he seethed as she smashed into him on her way to the library.

She glared at him out of tear-stained eyes.  His smirk slightly faltered.

" What's the matter Granger? Muggle-loving boyfriend du.."  He stopped at Hermione's fist met forcefully with his jaw, sending him to the floor.

"Bitch" he spat.  She stomped on his stomach with her heel and then placed a well-aimed blow to Draco's 'lower area', and continued down the stairs.  She giggled as he writhed on the floor clutching himself.

            Fifteen minutes later, Draco found a group of sixth year girls looking down at him.

"Aw' what happened to Ickle Drakie?" Padma Patil asked

"Did he get huwted?" Parvati giggled.

"The rampaging mudblood bitch stomped on me, and probably guaranteed that I won't be able to have children." he moaned.

"Poor boy." Lavender soothed sarcastically.

The girls had a quick conference and returned to Draco.

"Come with us." they said as they grabbed his arms.

Too weak to protest Draco was dragged into the Gryffindor common room.  He was shoved into a chair and tied down with a rope charm.  They took his wand and laid it on the table.  

"What the hell are you doing?" Draco spat.

"We decided to have a little fun." the girls giggled.

"HELP!"


	4. Daisy Dragons

It has been a while since I last updated (a whole week practically) and I know that you have all wanted to know what happens to my poor little prisoner.

Disclaimer: Disclaim! Disclaim! People aren't mine, plot is Disclaim! Disclaim!

Chapter Summary:  Enter "daisy" who happens to be the sexiest thing on two legs

That Time of the Month

Chapter Four:  Daisy Dragons

               A very pretty blonde girl stepped out of the Gryffindor common room, and peered about worriedly.  She looked down at herself, and was slightly amused by the tight white blouse and black leather mini-skirt she was wearing.  She noted the chest and gasped.  'How did they manage this" she thought.  Another head appeared out of the portrait hole.

Parvati exclaimed, "There you are Daisy, we haven't finished with you yet."

The blonde widened her eyes and shook her head vigorously.

Before she could move, the other girl grabbed her and threw her back into the common room.

Daisy saw a crowd of girls holding curling irons, eyeliner, lipstick, eye shadow, blush, and other various means of continuing torture.  Reluctantly she sat back down in the chair.  

Hermione called, "Did Ickle Drakie..I mean Daisy think she would get away?"

               Daisy groaned, a half an hour earlier she had been Draco Malfoy the son of Lucius and Narcissa.  Now, he was a beautiful blonde girl.  He recalled that in order to get him into the revealing clothing that the girls would had to have seen his manhood.  He silently wondered what they had thought. As the girls mercilessly slathered makeup all over his face, he crossed his legs impatiently.  He winced as he recalled the vicious waxing he had received earlier.

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"Oh don't worry, it won't hurt badly." grinned Lavender Brown

"We'll be gentle." Padma promised.

They had coated his legs in a burning, sticky substance that made tears come to his eyes.  The girls then laid a thin sheet of paper on the goo, and let it sit momentarily.  After a minute, Hermione grabbed a corner of the paper, and pulled sharply downward with all the strength she could muster.  Draco screamed and tears began coursing down his face.  After they did the second leg, Draco passed out.

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When they had finished the makeup, they allowed Draco (Daisy) to use the bathroom on the condition that he wouldn't wash away their efforts.  The prisoner looked in the mirror and gasped.  A female voice yelled from outside the door, "From Drama Queen to Drag Queen, eh Drakie?"  

"Shove it you stupid Gryffindor whore."  

               The door was blasted into smithereens and Draco was instantaneously surrounded by a threatening hoard of Gryffindor girls.  

"What did you call me?" they chorused.

"Er..nothing" Draco squeaked.

"That's what we thought."

Two larger seventh year girls grabbed Draco by his arms and threw him out the door of the Gryffindor common room without his wand.  Draco ran down the stairs and knocked into two boys climbing them.  

"Excuse me" one of the boys said politely.  Blushing from the roots of his flaming red hair down to his toes.

"Yeah sorry," said his raven-haired accomplice.

"Potter, Weasley, what do you think that you two dim-wits are doing bowling people over in the middle of the staicase?" Draco shouted.

"How did you know our names?" inquired a very confused Harry.

"Uh, lucky guess." suggested Draco who was trying to avoid confessing his identity.  He(she, it) turned and continued descending the flight of stairs.

"Whoever that was she sure was pretty." Ron admitted.

"Ugh, she sure was a bitch, reminds me of someone really… Anyways, you're dating "Mione you shouldn't be looking for other girls."

"You liked her yourself, didn'tchya?"

"No, what did you think about Quidditch practise the other day?"

Ron laughed as the two resumed the climb to Gryffindor Tower.

A/N: Not really long, but you all know what happened to poor Ickle Drakie.  I wonder how it will turn out… Should I post more?  Let me know.


	5. Was that hell freezing over?

Yeah, I haven't updated in a while, but I was busy directing.  Production staff is complicated stuff. Hope you enjoy this, I think it might be the last chapter.

Disclaimer: If I owned any of this, I for-seriously doubt that I would be writing fan fiction.

Chapter Summary:  The boys strike back, and Draco is still having some issues.

***************************************************************************************

That time of the Month

Chapter Five:  Is that hell freezing over?

          Draco had just stumbled into the Slytherin common room where he was greeted by lewd comments and obnoxious catcalls.  He tried to ignore it as he sprinted to his prefect bedroom and locked the door behind him.  He proceeded into the bathroom where he attempted to regain some semblance of the everyday, thorn-on-the-ass-of-society Draco.  

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          Meanwhile, the Gryffindor boys were fending off an angry mob of hormonal females who decided to play darts with quills and 'moving targets'.  They had holed up in the sixth-year dormitory where they sealed the door with an unbreakable charm.  

          As the night wore on, the hungry boys had taken up a collection of candy, which had been saved from weekend Hogsmeade trips.  The group happily splurged on piles of Cauldron Cakes, Chocolate Frogs, Fizzing-Whizbees, and Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans.  After an hour, the boys had a definite sugar buzz.  Regaining their courage, the boys began plotting a bit of revenge. 

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While Draco Malfoy had succeeded in wiping away the make-up and various hair products, he had failed to remove the charm in place on his chest.  He contemplated hiding out in his dormitory until he found a counter-charm, but a rumbling in his stomach begged to differ.  He found himself stealing a large robe from Goyle, and slinking off to the Great Hall for dinner.  He only hoped that the baggy outfit would disguise his ample chest.

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The Gryffindor girls, who were obviously not stupid, left a guard of three females to make sure that the boys could not make an escape.  These girls were Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati.  The young women sat facing the sixth-year boys door, and chatted idly about boys, fashion, and gossiped about who was doing who.  

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On the opposite side of the aforementioned door, the Gryffindor males had come to a unanimous decision.  They had planned a panty and tampon raid.  (A/N:  I'm not sure if guys in Britain do this, but here it is all too common. if you don't know, it is pretty obvious.)  It was decided that Seamus, Ron, and Colin would distract the girls, as they were by far the sexiest guys for the job.  Then, the twins, Harry, Neville, and Dean would invade the girls' room; pinching every feminine object they could get their hands on.  While the distractions were busy snogging their guards, the other boys snuck into an empty classroom where they developed part B of their payback plan. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Draco had inconspicuously seated himself apart from his Slytherin year mates at the dinner table.  Ten minutes into his meal, he was 'attacked' by Pansy Parkinson who snuggled right up next to him and grasped him in a huge, showy hug.  She immediately pulled back with a blood-curling shriek.  

"Draco," she shouted, "I had no idea you were a hermaphrodite!"

As a collective gasp echoed about the Great Hall, Draco leaped up and tore out of the room amidst a tremendous gale of laughter.

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In a deserted Charms classroom, the final payback plans had been set.  Harry, Neville, and George set off to wait near the Great Hall, and Fred and Dean snuck out onto the grounds.  Plan B was in action.

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Back in the Gryffindor common room, the three oblivious couples were thoroughly enjoying themselves.  Suddenly, the rest of Gryffindor house exploded into the common room.  Hermione charged up to Parvati whose arms were tightly wrapped around Ron's neck and hissed, " I thought that we had left you to guard the prisoners, not get into their pants."  Parvati blushed and began to disentangle herself from a half-naked Ron.  

"Where are the rest of the boys?", asked Sally Anne.

"Oh, we left them in the dorms," replied a very calm Seamus who had just gotten out from under a flushed Lavender.

"Oh.  I guess the fun will have to wait until later."

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          The Gryffindor boys had finished their covert operation and had returned to their dormitories under the cover of the moonlit night.

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          The next morning, when the girls had finally finished their 'grouchy week' and could all fits into their pants, they greeted the boys in the common room with cheerful "Hello"s and bright smiles.  

"Almost makes you feel bad doesn't it?" muttered George to his twin.

Fred pondered this revelation momentarily, and quietly replied, "Nah."

The group slowly made their way to the Great Hall.  The entire time the boys kept preventing the girls from looking out the window by creating a steady stream of conversation.

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          The talkative group entered the Great Hall, and all suddenly fell silent.  The girls gazed about and noted several pair of silky panties and tampons floating in the ceiling, replacing the usual candles.  They all stared, positively horrified.

"They…They got us." stuttered a shocked Lavender Brown.

"Did it suddenly get cold in here?  I think that hell just froze over."  stated a mind-numbed Hermione Granger.  They were too shocked to notice a large group of boys rolling on the floor eyes tearing with laughter as Draco Malfoy was standing on the Slytherin table trying to reach a metallic emerald male thong.

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It is over! I hope you liked it, I wasn't sure how it would go over. Let me know if it totally sucks.  I know you all were loving the guy torture, but I personally liked the ending, well I wrote it.  I might be posting other stories, so if you enjoyed my work, look for more sometime soon.

Love,  Internalscream (Em)


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